East Coasters Represent!

Every once in a while I check out the Daily Universe, BYU's student newspaper. I was checking it this week to see what was written about the upcoming BYU vs Utah match up a.k.a The Holy War, which I eagerly anticipate this Saturday at 4 pm. Well, I stumbled upon this opinion piece from the November 17th edition. Having lived in California in the heart of the "Sweet Bro" mecca, and on the East Coast, I am now forced to form my own opinion...which is best? Read it, and you decide.

West Coast; Why the West has won

By John Holman

When people think of the West Coast, they think of California. Sure, we may be the third largest state in the United States, as well as one of the top 10 economies in the world, and if we were independent, we would be in the top 35 most populous countries in the world. We take this with pride and joy in our lovely state and this is why we don't have to be so outspoken like Texas, or the East Coast.

But, as some people might remember from their geography classes growing up, the West Coast is so much more than just the amazing California. Do the states Oregon, Washington, Alaska and Hawaii ring a bell? It is the combination of these states, along with California, that make the "furious five" of the West Coast so amazing. "Skadoosh."

Hawaii. What else needs to be said? Surfing, snorkeling, scuba diving, Motsumoto's Shave Ice, "Jurassic Park," "Lost" and many more things draw millions of people there every year. With each island having a character of its own, it feels like there is even more offered at each location, making it a new experience no matter what island you happen to visit.

Remember, Alaska is the largest state in the U.S. and has the most amazing governor in Sarah Louise Heath Palin, which makes us a major player in foreign policy and experience. Summers thrive there. The students who want a real summer experience, and who haven't sold their souls to Apex, pest control and satellite systems, can become among those who help others enjoy what this state has to offer while making some extra cash. Besides, seeing the sun all year round during business hours is so overrated.

Oregon has some of the best coastline the world has to offer. Its cliffs that rise high above the sea are complimented by the ocean and waves that crash into them. Intel is also based in Oregon. They lead the country in processors which are put in both Windows (Washington) and Macintosh (California). Plus, who can forget the computer game of the 1990s, Oregon Trail! Also, "The Goonies" was filmed in Oregon. "Hey you guys!"

Washington also has much to offer. Bill Gates is a well-known name and his Microsoft company has been one that has changed the world through its computer programs and operating systems. Seattle alone has effected the world through music. The entire world knows about the grunge scene that happened in the early 90s that produced such bands such as Pearl Jam, Nirvana and Soundgarden, with more recent bands such as Death Cab For Cutie and Band of Horses making their presence felt throughout the country as well. These bands have influenced bands all over the world and are still heard on the radio today. Seattle also has Ivar's Clam Chowder which is world-famous. Washington also has a rain forest, which is influential to the state and the country's weather system.

To finish, California is influencing the world through different cities. Cupertino is becoming a more familiar city because that is where Apple resides. iPods, iPhones and many other products they produce are taking over the world. Next, whenever you search anything on the Internet, or don't know how to do something or don't know a definition you "Google" it. Google serves you from California. Hollywood, good or bad, has influenced the world for decades. Lastly, who hasn't been hearing about "Prop 8" for the last couple of months? So when you meet someone from California, don't refer to it as Cali, because we don't.

The diverse landscape that the West offers is a major factor in the migration of many people from across the United States. With mountains, deserts, beaches, forests, rivers and the Pacific Ocean, the population is growing all over the West. But don't just take my word for it. As of the 2000 census, Hawaii grew 9.3 percent, Washington grew 21.1 percent, Oregon grew 20.4 percent, California grew 13.8 percent and Alaska grew 14 percent. This tells me that America is saying that the West is where it is at.

Oh, I almost forgot! "Twilight" takes place in Forks, Wash., and was primarily filmed in Oregon.

East Coast; We're no "Sweet-Bro Nation"

By Jeff Nielson

The "sweet-bro" is a genus of male humans that thrives in wealthy and warm areas of the West Coast. They travel in fashion-coordinated packs, often by scooter, and prey on young women whose reasoning has been impaired by hair-dye seepage. The scientific term "sweet-bro" (see also "bro-dawg") is a combination of the only two words necessary for communication within the species.

For most of my life, I was shielded from interaction with sweet-bros. In fact, I truly believed that they were only gimmicky inventions of Hollywood and Hollister. Who in their right mind, I asked myself, would really pop their collar, or wear absurd pink muscle shirts or bleach the tips of their fauxhawk? Imagine my shock when I moved to Provo and learned that not only were sweet-bros real, but many of them had migrated to BYU.

Before you read the rest of this, you need to know something about me: I have never been west of Vegas. Some of you might feel that this disqualifies me as an objective critic of the West Coast, and you are absolutely right. But let's be honest - objectivity is boring. Why else would you only skim the front page of this newspaper before jumping to this section? So today I'm going to give you what we all want: a totally biased, utterly ridiculous opinion that invites equally unintelligent rebuttals. Enjoy.

Let's begin with a few points on grammar. Outside their traditional contexts, the following words don't fly in the East: way, totally, stoked, wicked, rad. We can express ourselves just fine without stooping to the vernacular of Beavis and Butthead. Also, the word "at" has somehow taken on an unnecessary role in the West. "Hey bro, where are my keys are at?" makes no sense. You West Coasters would sound a lot more intelligent if you phrased it this way: "Excuse me, at where are my keys?" Don't you know that a preposition is the last thing to end a sentence with?

We now turn to education in general. If a sweet-bro were to transfer into a school district anywhere on the East Coast, he would be eaten alive. Eastern schools are, without question, much more rigorous than their Western counterparts. For example, the threshold for an A grade in my county has always been a 94 percent, and we don't have the luxury of minuses. On the other hand, getting an A in any class on the West Coast requires only that students can phonetically spell their own names, which is exactly why sweet-bros generally struggle even in the West.

Leaving the sweet-bros to nurse their wounds (probably with copious amounts of Axe), we move on to a much more important topic: Massachusetts. Besides being home to several prestigious universities, Massachusetts cannot be spelled by anyone living west of the Mississippi, making it the undisputed intellectual capital of America. And of course there are the Boston sports teams. Rather than explain this in detail, I'll just rattle off a few names: Garnett, Youkilis, Brady, Pierce, Papelbon, Moss, Ortiz, Belichick, the Green Monster, that Kenyan guy who always wins marathons. If you West Coast readers did not just wet your pants in fear, you either don't know sports or you think Boston is a neighborhood in LA.

Massachusetts is great - it beats the entire West Coast by itself. But we still need to acknowledge many of the East's finest contributions. Like most great things, Southern hospitality was born in Virginia. Baseball and football were born in New Jersey. Barbecue was born in the Carolinas; Coca-Cola in Georgia; toilet paper (and just a few other things) in New York. Our nation's freedom was born in Pennsylvania and defended along the eastern seaboard. And we can't forget Maryland. Baltimore alone has given us "The Star Spangled Banner," world-class sea food, Edgar Allen Poe, Cal Ripken Jr. (my childhood hero), Michael Phelps and, of course, "Hairspray." Not even California could beat the East to making a movie in which Christopher Walken dances with a woman played by John Travolta.

I grew up 12 miles west of Washington, D.C. I love the beautiful seasons, the rich history, and the diverse cultures of my area. But sometimes I think I should give California a shot. After all, there must be some reason the sweet-bros stay "where they're at."