I'm starting to realize more and more as my kids grow that there is no right solution for parenting every child. My son and my daughter are very different. I've had a couple experiences lately that have helped me see parenting and discipline from a different perspective. These experiences are very personal and have been going around in my head for the last week. I decided to share them today in the attempts to encourage parents & give them new ideas, but also to remind myself when I forget. Isn't that the way life goes? We learn something but have to relearn it all over again in a new way when the situations change.
Before I start, I have to fill you in a few details.
I believe in time outs. As a kid, they always helped me to regroup and think about what I had done. As a parent I've tried really hard to teach my kids this too. Reflection is good and I know it helps us to make better choices next time. I set the timer for as many minutes as they are old. I'm also taking the Super Nanny approach by not setting the timer until they are calm. It is always hard to know when the right time is to start doing time outs in their lives. I often ask myself, "Is it too early to start this? Will she really understand what this is for yet?"
Callie has also always had a really hard time calming down by herself. As a baby, the only way to consul her sometimes would be to just nurse her (which of course, there is nothing wrong with when they are that little). She has never been good with abrupt changes. She needs time to adjust and understand new things. She likes lots of reassurance. Nursery at church is a perfect example. She had a hard time getting use to it, and would not calm down once I left.... she even had a hard time staying calm while I was there. When I would leave she would seriously loose control.
Same goes with her binky. She always wants it. We have been trying to wean her from it during the day for at least a year now. When I take it away completely she can have serious melt downs where I feel like she looses control. I feel like as she gets older and as she is able to communicate her needs she is starting to reason better. I know this will pass. She is now starting to say, "I don't need my binky because I'm a big girl, I can calm down without it."
As these things apply to timeout, you can see how she would have a hard time with it. Any kid for that matter takes time to adjust to it. When my kids were little I would do an
assisted time out. I knew they wouldn't stay there by themselves, so I would have them sit on my lap, or at least sit next to them. I would remind them of why they were there and make sure they stayed there, but try not to talk to them too much. I wasn't always consistent about making sure they were calm before starting a timer in the beginning. That comes with understanding how to be calm. Once they understand that they have to stay there or I will put them back each time they attempt to run, I stop sitting next to them. Callie hates being left alone, and so I will sometimes sit somewhere close but avoid eye contact.
Lately I have been trying to help her understand to be calm, or calm down without a binky, or be calm when she wants something or is frustrated. Its a struggle some days.
OK back to the post.
Experience #1 - I was upstairs folding clothes and I heard some screaming downstairs and then a yell from my husband to, "STOP DOING THAT! I SAID NOT TO DO THAT!" It was one of those frustrated yells that told me he had had enough of the situationa and I needed to step in with a clear head. As I rushed to the stairs, the kids met me with tears and sobbing. Callie had jumped from the rocking chair to the couch and poked Andrew in the eye. Andrew was crying because he was in pain, Callie was crying because she just got angry daddy yelled at and was in big trouble because she did something wrong. They both needed a different level of comfort or understanding at the same time. Story of each mothers life, right?
It was at that moment I could see myself in a very important role. As I saw the needs of my children my thoughts turned to the Savior and his role as a Mediator. I'm not at all trying to compare myself to the Savior, but instead I could see my role and understood at that moment how I needed to act. It was a special time, where I could look beyond annoyance, anger, frustration, and just try to love and teach as he does. I was the Mediator in that moment, and I wanted to do it like He would.
Andrew needed acknowledgment, comfort and a hug. The Savior can give us that too. Callie needed more. She was upset by getting yelled at, but also needed to recognize she did something wrong and try her best to make it better. First she needed to calm down. She wanted her binky. I am trying to keep that away during the day and teach her to calm down without it. But it reminded me of how people can reach for something to comfort them like food or alcohol instead of the Savior. The Savior, helps them remember that He is there for them and that they only need Him.
After she calmed down, we talked about the wrong things she did and made them right by saying sorry.
Experience #2 - The next experience happened today actually.
Callie hit Andrew today, while she was kicking and pulling his hair. So I took her to time out. I calmly explained why she was in time out and said she would sit there for 2 minutes because she is two. And I would wait to start the timer until she was calm. She had a really hard time getting calm. In fact it took her 30 minutes to get calm. Plus she was hungry, and it was lunch time. This is where some things started to click for me today. They say to just ignore a tantrum.
But I don't think this was a tantrum. I let her try to calm down by herself, but she was still getting all borderline out of control. She shouts that she wants her binky. I can't let her have it, because I'm trying to teach her to overcome that feeling of comfort and calm down herself without it. She won't learn that trait if I don't let her practice it.
I've heard if you leave them during tantrums sometimes they feel alone during a hard time. So, I sat next to her and tried to talk to her. If she talks back, it helps her move on from tantrums. It works sometimes. She couldn't talk to me. I sat on the floor where she could see me. She would yell Mommy over and over again, but wouldn't come to me or talk to me. She continued kicking and screaming. I videoed her.... to refer to later, not to share on Facebook. Then I remembered something a Mission Presidents wife told me once. I had asked her how to keep the Spirit in the home with little kids. She told me she used to play music. I though of something to try that had worked once before. I went and held her close. Told her it was ok and that I loved her. Then I began to sing. She fought me on it at first. But I kept it up. She began to relax and calm down. The Spirit in the room showed her of my love and helped her calm down.
After she calmed down, I showed her the video, and we talked about how screaming doesn't help us stay calm or help us get out of time out faster.
We talked again about why we needed to sit in time out. Then we sat in time out together for 2 minutes. I don't thing she is all that ready to sit by herself in timeout yet.
These experiences taught me what the Spirit can do to correct a situation. The Holy Ghost can help us to remember to stay calm, and act how we want. He can fill us our Savior's love and help us know we aren't alone. By looking at the Savior for his example, we can say and do the right things to parent our kids.
Like I said, every kid is different. Andrew didn't have any trouble accepting times outs and calming down to stay there. But, I'm learning with Callie, that being calm with her is key. Having the Spirit with me when I'm teaching her is so very important. And it grows even more important as Andrew grows older too.
