Being Me is Hard

     I haven't written anything on our blog in ages.  I don't even know if anyone I know does blogs anymore.  But I kinda miss putting my thoughts down, so maybe I'll start doing this again.  It's a great way to process my thoughts. 

I haven't kept up with my blog because well, I just can't do it all!  I packed up many of my hobbies and set them aside for a day in the future because I know I will regret it if I don't spend the precious moments with my kids while they are young and at home.  I put so many things I love doing on hold because I just couldn't  juggle all of them. I thought I'd be able to pick them back up again someday, when all the kids are in school.  My baby is almost 6 now, and in Kindergarten. Is it the time again to pick up some of those things and dust off a few hobbies? Honestly, I'm not really sure. Life hasn't actually slowed down. I want to be a good mom, that's always been my biggest dream and that job never ends. I think it will be the one I'm most proud of when I'm old. But I always feel like I'm not doing enough.

I see those things I used to love, and wonder is it something I'll ever love again?  Do I get rid of the stuff that just takes up room? I don't want to live in clutter, but I don't want to start from scratch in the future. Especially if the materials I have are still plenty good to use. Also, my problem is that I have SO much that I am interested in that I've actually picked up new things. The things to store and keep track of can be a bit overwhelming.  I really want to stay organized so life is functionable but I tell you, it is difficult to find a place for everything, so everything can go in it's place.  Sometimes I have to create a new space to store or reorganize the one I have.

This has led me to where I am today.  How do I decide what to do first.  I. AM. NOT. GOOD. AT. PRIORITIZING. I just see one thing after another and get mostly overwhelmed.  Sometimes, I start something and I run out of motivation before I can finish, and other times I have to put my all into it. I start on a chore thinking I can just do a little, but before I know it I'm starting over and redoing the whole thing or starting 10 other things too. 

My brain works very differently you see.  I have ADHD.  I haven't talked much about it on here, because I have only within the past 3-5 years really been open about it. It's a story for another post, but I understand that my brain operates differently and that is okay.  It is just so frustrating sometimes.

I know how to do so much!  I'm a jack of all trades personality type.  If I really want to, I am happy to learn and figure out how. I make plenty of mistakes and I recognize that there is so much I don't know. Because of this I know so much about different things. But what most often stops me?  TIME.  There isn't enough of it in a day. And what happens when you don't keep those skills up?  The technology or way of doing things passes by your understanding and you have to relearn.  This is true of most of my hobbies.  New technology and inventions make things easier. But then I have to keep up with it.  It makes me feel so tired to think about it. 

So what is the point of what I'm putting down today?  I don't know where to start.  I have a finger in so many pots that I've starting using my toes too. I see things everywhere I go. I have projects I have started or have materials for EVERYWHERE! Just as I start one I think of ten more that would be good todo too.  

I know how to do so much, but if I think about all of it I will go crazy!  I want to stay up to date with everything but I know that is impossible. I always want to plan ahead and stayed prepared but I am so behind with so many things, it feels like I wont ever catch up. I have so many dreams or ideas of how things could run smoother but those can't ever get into place fast enough.  I try to remember everything, but then before I can write it down I forget it.  Every idea costs too much money and too much time.

BREATHE!!!

I get excited about all the possibilities I am capable of.  I want to accomplish so much. I know I have so much potential. But my body can't keep up with my brain.  If my body ran around as much as my brain does, I would be in incredible shape! But part of being me, is accepting my limits. I know I can't do it all.  I know I have to allow myself to rest.  I have to focus on my family because they are what matters the most to me. All of my hobbies benefit my family but their cost is depleting. My mind can't take it all. So I tell myself, there is a time and a season for everything. What matters the most are the people I see first each day. Not the stuff.

Being me is hard.