This is Who I Am

I've decided that I want to share my story...

When I was in 5th grade I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD).  At the time I was having a hard time focusing in school and my grades reflected it.  I was always wound up & hyper.  I talked a million miles an hour and I'm sure I was very annoying.  When things got hard, or I wanted to do something more fun I would put off my work or just give up.  My doctor prescribed Ritalin and my life turned around.  My symptoms got much better.  I could concentrate.  My grades dramatically improved.  My home life improved.  I was happier.

I continued to take Ritalin in Middle School and life was pretty good.  The only problem I experienced was I didn't fully feel like myself.  When I would get in trouble my leaders and family  would ask, "Have you taken your medication?" The answer was usually a yes & it was a huge slap in the face.  I know now they only meant well because they knew I would act better with it, but as a kid I felt like they were saying, "I don't like you for who you are, the medication will help you change."  I began to resent my medication.  I knew it would help me but I wanted to be me.  I think I also started associated ADD with #1 being a bad kid #2 being stupid #3 people looked down on others who had it.  There were people I knew who had it, and I heard others saying unkind things about them and their difficulties.  So for various reasons I didn't want it to be know that I have it.

Soon, after I got to high school, I stopped taking Ritalin regularly.  I wanted to "do it myself".  Some of my grades began to drop again (usually just the classes that were hard for me -- Spanish, Math and Science).  I think after my Sophomore year I was completely off Ritalin.  By this point I had failed  Algebra 1 two times.  I still don't think that was completely my fault, I wasn't the only one in my class who couldn't understand my teachers.  But I, unlike everybody else just gave up and as a result failed.

At the beginning of my Junior year, I made a choice.  I realized that if I didn't pass my math classes I wasn't going to graduate.  I needed to focus.  I needed to care & NOT give up.  I learned that if I had to read, I needed to be in a quiet place.  I couldn't study next to the TV, listen to the radio or be around others that were talking.  I had to prioritize.  My homework came before other things, no matter what.  And guess what?  My grades started to improve... without medication.  I passed Algebra 1, barely.

So my senior year I took Algebra 2.  It was hard.  I could never remember what I had learned before to apply to the current lesson.  I hated it.  I wanted to give up.  But I didn't.  Every day for at least the last quarter of the year I went to school at 7am and tried to figure out my math homework by myself.  I would sit outside my teachers door until he got there at 8am.  Then I would go in his room and work and ask him questions on almost every problem until school started at 9am.  I felt stupid in Algebra 2.  My teacher would frequently say, "I just explained how to do that." I felt even more stupid.  My grade was still very low in his class.  The last day of class I brought a pack of Diet Coke for him as a gift (and sort of a bribe) for helping me and being patient.  I was really hoping and praying he would see that I gave my best effort.  He did pass me.  I graduated.  I received my diploma with pride. I had accomplished this huge & hard thing all by myself.

I felt like I had overcome ADD.  I felt like the only real symptom I still had to deal with was that I couldn't read in a noisy place.  But, looking back I realize now that I was only in denial.  I still had it all along, I just ignored it and sort of forgot about it.

I grew into an adult.  I got a jobs.

Taken soon after I started working for GH

I dated and had relationships.

Taken while I was dating.

Taken right before I met Briant.

I got married, and had a baby.  

My two favorite boys!

I still don't take medication.  I have learned how to live with challenges, but I still have to work at it.  

It wasn't until a few days ago that I started to come to terms with my disorder again.  I am so grateful for that lady at church who spoke up and said that she struggles with ADHD.   It was because of her that I started thinking about it again.  I started to feel okay about having it.  There are more out there who are just like me, and who struggle.  I began to realize it explains alot about me and difficulties I have.  I didn't feel like a bad person for having it.  Best of all, I don't feel ashamed anymore that I have ADD.

I really try hard to not use it as a excuse but as a tool.  Knowledge is power.  I don't blame my actions on ADD.    I still take responsibly for every choice I make.  But it helps as I look back everyday, to know myself & what I can expect if I choose certain things.  If I turn on the TV, I will get distracted and won't get as much done.  So by knowing what my tendencies are with ADD I can add more direction & make better choices for tomorrow.

I am grateful I was diagnosed young.  I am grateful for the way God knows us, and what to give us in life to develop & grow.  I know that he also puts us in the right places to refine us, to helps us obtain the characteristics that we need for ourselves.  Reminiscing, there were so many situations that helped me understand what I needed to do with what my mannerisms.  For instance, I learned early on that I need to write things down to remember them (whether it was a task at home, or something specific my boss would ask me to do).  I learned working with my Aunt that I need to think a few steps ahead.  I learned that even further at Great Harvest and began establishing habits that I still use today.

I am forever grateful for people who loved me.  My parents, my family, and friends.  I know I was annoying at times.  I know I seemed ungrateful.  Alot of the time I come across as forgetful, lazy and like I didn't care.  Thank you for loving me anyway.  The biggest thanks of all goes to my husband.  He loves me for who I am & has never tried to change me.  He is a selfless man.  He lives with me everyday and still loves me.

I know now that it is okay to have this disorder, it makes me who I am.